What we call crap

I write this for lack of anything better to do and purhaps to better myself. I keep telling people that I have chalk the day I travel up as loss, but I also see it as a time of introspection (and reading). While I have been complaining a lot lately about my situation I have not really taken the time to actually see what part I have played in making myself miserable. I can honestly say that I know that it stems from me despising anything that has to do with work, but how did I get into this situation? Is there anything I can do to remedy the situation outside of a full-scale retreat? I think the answer to the first question has something to do with taking on a new project that I really did not see actually coming to fruition. At first it was a fun side project with little investment and some fun traveling. The problem was I did not properly invest in the project so when we did get the contract, I did not have everything planned out as well as I should have... I had to react. So now I am running around feeling the proverbial chicken sans head (is that really proverb or just a colloquialism? perhaps, colloquial chicken sans head). This is my fault. I accept that. This is a position I will try not to place myself in again. Moving on.



What can I do now? This is a more difficult question. Before, I would come into work and address problems as they came up but now I am shying away like a chicken (I am very good with metaphors today). As I have told Heidi, I am lacking confidence and this has caused me to lack desire to do anything. She has also told me that I should tell my boss(es) that I am unhappy. While this would be the stand up thing to do, I do not like admitting that I feel under prepared and unqualified for what I am doing. This trial by fire shit does not work for me. I almost always fail the first time, then become so embarrassed that I try my hardest to never put myself in a similar situation. I need to have a clear idea of what is expected of me for me to actually succeed at something. I need some structure, some support. Thus I have decided to write down what I expect myself and my employess/co-workers to do for the project. This will help myself and those under me, who most likely feel I am not directing them in any reasonable manner. While this is just a start it will hopefully allow me to move forward in a constructive manner. Maybe then I can actually tell my boss(es) what is bothering me and that I am going to quit as soon as can, and that I will not leave the group in a pile of shit. Attack!