Monkey Herpes Alert!

WARNING!

Over the last two hours there has been a horrible out break of Monkey Herpes (MH). This has mostly been isolated to my place of employment but a strick quarantine has not completely succeeded in stopping it spread. The police and national guard have been alerted and have been instructed to shoot anyone suspected of being infected with MH. Symptoms are as follows:

• Constant scratching,
• Listening to portable music devices,
• Wearing spotted pants,
• Not wearing deodorant,
• Discussing the uselessness of public education,
• Drink diet cola/decaf coffee,
• Complaining about lossing wait while complaining about exercising/moving,
• Driving everywhere (especially to the bar or gym),
• Wearing clothing that is too small.

The public is asked to report any people exhibiting any of the above-mentioned symptoms. Please do not interact with these people, and no attempt should ever be made to breed with them.

Z.Monkey
Director of Public Health
Ministry of Truth